(no subject)

[sidestepdestiny]

Simon seriously needs to work on his organizational skills.

I'm in the office looking for a bank statement he was supposed to file, coming up with nothing, about two seconds from going to our emailed statements and printing it out, when I see an adoption application packet shoved beneath a bunch of financial records. I take it out with a sigh and stand up to put it in the right filing cabinet when I see the name written at the top.

Simon Snow printed in Simon's boyish scrawl. For a moment of insanity I think someone's filing to adopt him, and then I see the child's name who the paperwork is for.

Genevieve Porter

The paperwork has been partially filled out with Simon as the client and my mind is honestly blown. Simon has always done a good job of not coming across as favoring any of the children, so I hadn't noticed a preference for Genevieve. Was it my fault? Have I been so busy that I can't even tell when my boyfriend wants to adopt a fucking child? And why hasn't he talked to me about it? Was he just going to come home one day (not even home! from one part of the house to the other!) with a Surprise! You're A Father! banner.

Or has he planned to leave me and be a single dad? It doesn't make any sense.

I just stare at the paperwork for awhile. And I guess I'm feeling defensive, or petty, because instead of bringing it up to him in a calm, matter-of-fact manner, I find him with the papers in hand and say, "Simon. There you are. I have some good news." I shuffle the papers without letting him see his own writing, like I'm reading them over. "We've gotten an application, someone wants to adopt Genevieve."

Comments

[worst_greatest_one]

I look up from where I'm trying to make sense of the jumble that is the games closet and start to smile, but I don't even make it halfway before I feel like I've been thumped in the stomach.

"Oh," I muster, feeling weird and clammy as Baz's words ring in my ears. I knew she wouldn't last here, she's far too adorable, but I'd hoped there'd be more time. Apparently there's none at all. There's a chair nearby, thank snakes, and I sit into it as carefully as I can.

"Um, who?"

[sidestepdestiny]

The way Simon reacts is so openly shocked that for a moment I think he knows I've found his paperwork. But then I realize that's not it at all, he just doesn't want anyone else to adopt Genevieve. It's that serious.

I take a breath and then give the papers a look of confusion, inwardly seething.

"That's the strange thing," I say, coming closer. I turn the front paper over, holding it up so it's facing Simon. "It says their name is Simon Snow."

[worst_greatest_one]

For a moment I stare at it and think, that looks like my writing. And then I realize it is my writing, and Baz has found the form I half-filled out before chucking it, and my stomach gives another nauseating lurch.

"It was stupid," I say, wondering what he must think of this. That I'm an idiot, no doubt. Well, I am. "That's why I didn't finish it. I know it's foolish."

[sidestepdestiny]

"Which part?" I ask, keeping my voice calm. The spooked look on his face helps. Even though I feel something like betrayal from all this, I have to admit he looks genuinely devastated and it's lowering my synthetic blood pressure.

"The part where you considered adopting a child without talking to me about it?" I continue. "Or the part where you run an orphanage and you want to keep one?"

[worst_greatest_one]

"The second one," I answer, feeling my mouth pull in an impressive frown. Has he thought - "I wouldn't try adopting anyone without telling you," I say, standing quickly. "I was just looking at it, thinking how it must take ages to fill out, and then I started it and I just - "

He looks pissed. In that old way when he didn't bother hiding it, like I've left the windows open in the tower again just to spite him. "I was just fucking about."

[sidestepdestiny]

"You looked like I just kicked you in the stomach when I said someone was adopting her," I point out, keeping my gaze level despite his sullenness. He might not have thought about truly adopting her without telling me, because it's typical of Simon to act before he thinks, but there's still clearly an attachment here. "That's not fucking about."

[worst_greatest_one]

"It is if it's never finished or submitted," I reply, getting my feet back under me. I'm not even sure what we're fighting about yet, except that we are, and at least it's put the blood back in my legs.

"Why are you so cross? I didn't do anything with it."

[sidestepdestiny]

I let out a sound of frustration. Sometimes Simon is so thick I have to wonder if it's all that magic clouding up his head.

"You're missing the point," I say to him, dropping the papers to the table before I accidentally crush them into a ball. "Is this something you want? Was it really just a passing thought? It's a big deal and you haven't said a word to me about it."

[worst_greatest_one]

"Because I know I can't do anything about it," I answer, feeling my cheeks heat up. There's nothing shameful about wanting to adopt a child, except for the part where I'm specifically not meant to favor one child over another.

"We can't. It wouldn't be right for the other ones." I exhale and am surprised to hear how odd and shaky it is. "I just didn't realize how attached I'd get."

[sidestepdestiny]

"That's where you're wrong," I say to him, touching Simon's arm and tugging him toward me. The anger is gone from my voice, but the firmness isn't. Sometimes he seems as lost as one of the children we've taken in.

"I didn't get dragged away from my family and kept from being at the top of our class above Bunce to not make sure you have everything you want. I'll figure something out."

[worst_greatest_one]

I sag a little. I'm bigger than Baz, technically, but he's stronger, and I always feel better when he's got ahold of me. "What does that mean?" I ask, my stomach still in knots. I've only just had time to accept that I'd rather Gen stay than go home to a new family - is he saying it's possible? And if he's missing his, would he want a new family?

"What's it that you want?"

[sidestepdestiny]

"I just told you, darling, I want what you want," I tell him. I haven't exactly thought too hard on the idea of making our own family, if only because of all the work we've put into the Gardens. But it's not like that idea hadn't crossed my mind every now and then.

"If this is what you want, we can make it work. If it wasn't just fucking about," I add, looking him in the eye.

[worst_greatest_one]

"I don't know what it is," I admit. "I just don't want her to leave us. It keeps me awake, and my stomach feels horrid all the time..." I trail off and study his face, as pale and dear as ever, but still a bit closed.

"Would you want a daughter?" I ask him. "A proper one? If I never came here, and it was just you, would you still want her?"

[sidestepdestiny]

"If it was just me?" I echo, trying to imagine it. I'd been insufferable before Simon and I got together. Not that being with him has changed my personality, I'm just less miserable. So it's difficult to say I'd want to have a kid if I was here alone, though maybe. I had gotten quite attached to Saoirse and that had nothing to do with Simon and I.

"Maybe," I finally say. "But I'm not sure that hypothetical matters, because you are here, and I would like a family with you. I hadn't imagined it happening so soon, but if you think you're ready then I'm willing to try."

[worst_greatest_one]

"Me either," I say. "Actually, I never thought about it at all. We can't have kids of our own, and all the littluns to look after at the Gardens ought to have been plenty, but maybe it's not enough."

Am I too young to be a father? I'm probably too young to run a carehome, but fuckit, I've got Baz. Maybe we can pull it off. "Would I be a good dad, do you think?" My nose wrinkles. "I never had one. I don't know what they do."

[sidestepdestiny]

"I've a feeling you'd keep them all here if you could," I say to him, smiling faintly. Technically I guess we could, just adopt a dozen kids, why not? But then as more arrived if we weren't adopting them out they'd really start to add up. We'd be worse off than Mother Goose.

"Of course you'd be a good father. You're good with the children here, and I think it's just like that, but all the time," I guess, twirling one of Simon's curls with my finger. It's not like I've had the best role model in that department.

[worst_greatest_one]

"Like the old woman and the shoe," I murmur, but my thoughts aren't really on nursery rhymes just now. I like the way Baz's clever fingers feel against my scalp and lean into them.

"I'm barely even grown," I tell him. "And I catch fire. Looking after children is one thing, but having one of my own? That's huge."

[sidestepdestiny]

"Simon," I say firmly, and touch his cheek to try and ground him. His anxiety surrounding his magic tends to spiral, and I don't want him smoking up the room from going down a rabbit hole of worrying. "Whose family is known for being excellent fire mages? You know I'm here to put out every fire you start. It's not like you'd be alone."

I don't want to talk him in or out of his decision, but I do want to remind him he doesn't have to miss out on certain things because of his magic.

[worst_greatest_one]

He could disappear. I don't think about it much because I don't want to, but it could happen. And practically speaking, Magnus could make me something to help contain my magic, but I don't want anyone but Baz. There's no one else I could run a carehome with. There's definitely no one else who could put up with me long enough to try.

And if I ever had a family, I'd want one with him. Even with all the risks, perhaps it'd be stupid not to jump at the chance while I can.

"I love you," I say, feeling a little wobbly. He's a vampire, and I'm a powder keg. If the world understood that they'd never let us have a family, let alone a carehome, but fuck it. We pulled this much off. "You really think we could make it happen?"

[sidestepdestiny]

"I love you too," I say gently, drawing him toward me and into a hug. Understanding Simon is like a sixth sense, and I can usually tell when he needs to physically lean on me. For a Chosen One who's supposed to save the magickal world, he very often needs emotional support. Not that I mind. (Especially since it has nothing to do with me being the cause of his distress anymore.)

"Of course I think we can make it happen. Is it too uncharacteristically optimistic of me to say I think we can make anything happen? We have this entire care home at age twenty. We were supposed to kill each other. I'd say we're doing pretty good."

[worst_greatest_one]

A hug from Baz feels like being held by a cold, well-dressed statue, but I love it. I press my hot cheek to his cool one and stay there for a while, just enjoying him.

"If we can do anything," I say, "Maybe we're not aiming high enough." I pull back and grin at him. "We could be mayors. Or kings!" Wow, how had I not thought of that first. "Emperors of Darrow."

[sidestepdestiny]

I snort gently, smiling, and try to imagine it. While I'm ambitious in my own way, ans likely corrupt enough for the job, I've never been especially fond of politics on that scale. Simon, on the other hand, would probably be a fair ruler, if that sort of thing exists.

"And what would you decree to your kingdom or empire?" I ask, twirling another curl of his hair around my finger.

[worst_greatest_one]

I try to think of something practical, but I can't, so I just put my arms around his hips and squeeze. "There'd be parades every Friday," I say. "In honor of Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch. And there'd be sweets. And - " I think of all those meals at Watford.

"Feasting. People used to do that, didn't they?"

[sidestepdestiny]

I laugh, moving in closer. "My first decree would be that no one's allowed to call me Tyrannus," I say. Most people don't even know about it here, but of course Simon does. Of course, he's allowed. He's allowed most things, in my opinion.

"Why am I not surprised you'd think of that? We could always do that here, you know. Friday Feast dinners," I suggest.

[worst_greatest_one]

My eyes widen. "That'd be brilliant!" I say, already thinking of all the things we could have. "Roast duck and puddings and sour cherry scones." My smile dims a bit as I remember that Bitty's gone, but he can't be the only one in the world to make those.

"A special occasion for all the littluns to look forward to. Especially the hungry ones," I add, thinking of Ben. The poor little sod's the most like me when I was small, suspicious, angry, hungry all the time.

[sidestepdestiny]

"Yes, soon we will have all these children on a proper English diet," I say, followed by a mock-evil laugh. It confuses the cooks sometimes, but Greta helps with that.

"Just say Ben. I know you mean Ben. I think he might secretly be a magickal creature who has a bottomless pit where his stomach's supposed to be," I add dryly, and of course it reminds me of someone. How neither of them have blown up in the waistband department is beyond me.